An Adoptive Mom Discusses Both of Her Open Adoptions

Even though our levels of openness are different with the two girls, I feel both of the birth moms are part of our family. They feel like sisters to me. We met Kelsey’s birth mom Stephanie when she was seven months pregnant. Before our match meeting we were scared to death. When we first walked in and met her, everything just melted away. Here was a person who was just as scared, probably way more so than we were, and [she was] vulnerable and going through some big time decisions and choices, and we instantly connected. After Kelsey was born, we continued visits and phone calls and email and talking and the relationship grew and grew from there.

Keira’s birth mom we have a little bit different relationship. She took a little bit longer making her decisions, making her choices, being comfortable with it and so with Keira, we didn’t get placed with her until she was six weeks old. Kelsey was three days old when we brought her home. With Dana, Keira’s birth mom, we mostly email back and forth. She did come to our house when Keira was about six months old. She came to our house and we all got together. I’m anticipating and hoping for a lot more of that.

I think like a lot of adoptive parents, we were so afraid of an open relationship. We started off, “No, no, no contact.”Then, “Oh. Maybe just emails, phone calls and some pictures.” Then, “Maybe we’ll meet the birth mom. That’s really what’s best for the kid. Hopefully we’ll get one that only wants to get together a couple of times.” And then, “No extended family.” And now we’re so immersed in each other’s lives and it’s wonderful and we love it and we wouldn’t have it any other way. We did a 180 on so many things along the way from, “We don’t want any openness at all, we don’t want any connection at all,” to having someone, hopefully two people that are so much a part of our lives as well as their extended families. It’s baby steps.

I think with any relationship, it felt good from the beginning and just grew. You first meet a friend or something, you’re not instantly best friends, but every time we talked, every time we meet and got to know each other better, it grew every time.

To me, I think open adoption means keeping your mind open to all the possibilities that come with it and all the different benefits and things that may present themselves along the way. I think as long as they know that their birth moms are a very special person in their lives and that there’s that bond there, that’s what I want them to have. I want them to have a comfort level and a closeness and a bond so that they know just how important these people are in their lives.