I had the joy of speaking with Ryan's adoptive family at a Cradle event this past weekend. I always look forward to speaking with them because of the bond and appreciation for one another that grows between us while expressing our feelings. Speaking has been such a rewarding gift for us as we help those beginning thier adoption process in opening thier eyes to the benefits of open adoption. It is also been such an intricate part of my healing as emotions surface while telling my story which help me do so. We never know strongly they will surface when telling our story and I was surprised when they were quite intense. I have told my story several times that I feel that I can control these emotions from distracting me. Yet, I like to work through them as they further show the depth of my adoption experience. They are usually most intense when speaking with Ryan's parents with thier loving presence as I hear them express thier feelings. This time, it was something that Ryan's adoptive mom shared that really touched me and reminded me how blessed we truly are. She shared her perspective of me in my decision process and her admiration for me and the amount of time I put into it as well as the sacrifice I made. She continued to say this compelled her to comfort me within my grieving. She did this by opening her home to me in several visits to help me adjust to the separation between Ryan and I. Her comfort and generosity during this difficult is something for which I will always be grateful for. Although she has expressed these feelings to me before, she never had done so in such a way while speaking which was truly amazing. Her admiration and gratitude is mutual as I expressed my gratitude for them and all thier generosity as well as my admiration in them as people and parents. They are truly role models for me. It is such a gift to share this bond and relationship with others as it brings us closer and shows others the amazing relationship which can result within an open adoption. And the best part being that its all for the benefit of our son who receives this love. I hope for this relationship for other bmoms and adoptive parents who are entering an open adoption as I know how possible it is with the support provided by the Cradle. After leaving the event I reflected more on my relationship with them as today I almost have to remind myself that they are Ryan's adoptive parents as I naturally see them as close friends and family. I encourage those entering this relationship to do so with an open heart and honest expectations to prepare for a blessed relationship based on trust and love. Please share your story or any question you have about our relationship as I would love to hear!

As my son continues to grow older, I become more excited with our maturing relationship. I feel we are reaching a new point as he is approaching his 6th bday...gosh that's hard to believe! He is no longer a baby or toddler but is becoming such a smart little man. I think its a matter of time that the questions start to surface about our relationship. He has been raised with a very simple understanding that I am his birthmother and he grew in "my tummy" and was given to his mommy and daddy out of love. But there are so many complexities in this that I often wonder what his understanding is truly like. As he continues to grow more intelligent I know he will begin to question more. As I embrace the opportunity to answer his questions, I have trusted his parents with this role. I know they will provide him the explanation and answers that are best for him. Although I can't wait for the day that he is grown and we can have mature conversations of his adoption and the circumstances that surrounded it, I know he is still a child and it will be quite a while before this time comes. I have trusted his raising with his parents and, therefore, have trusted them to give him the best understanding of such a unique relationship. I wouldn't want to step over the boundaries and give him too much information that may not be relevant or helpful to him at this point in his life. I know when the time is right, his parents will come to me with any need of further explanation from me to answer his questions. I also know when this time comes, the details of how it will be handled will be discussed between his parents and I to continue looking out for the best interest of our son. Although it saddens me that he is growing up so fast and my little man is no longer so little...I am very excited at the person he is becoming and will grow to be. I am very grateful for our relationship and look forward to its maturity at each level. It truly is scary how fast they grow! I think this really hit home yesterday after speaking with him on the phone. He has become so eloquent and suddenly we are able to conversate...wierd! This sparked my thoughts of the future conversations we will have as I look forward to this relationship and the unique bond that will continue to grow. Most importantly, I am so grateful that I am here and will continue to be to answer his questions and give him a secure understanding of his adoption experience. It affirms what I have always believed...that although we have all been extremely blessed by our open adoption, it exists primarily for his benefit. As a birthmother have you reached this point with your child where questions have surfaced? If so...how has it been handled in your open relationship? How has it affected you? As a pregnant woman seeking adoption...what are your thoughts on this idea? Do you think you would like this relationship with your child in the future? As an adoptive parent who has placed or will place for an open adoption...how have you handled your child's understanding of the open adoption relationship and any questions he/she has had? How are you planning on handling it? Please share your thoughts, experiences, and questions on this as I'd love to explore...thanks!

One of my favorite volunteer opportunities with the Cradle is the VAE program. For those of you who are not familiar, this is an educational program which branches into high schools to educate youth on adoption. This education takes place through speeches given by all members of the adoption triad which share our stories as well as facts about adoption and Illinois Law. I was very surprised to learn that adoption was a required part of Illinois cirriculum. Thinking back to my high school experience I don't have any recollection of learning anything on the issue. This is due to the fact that it was probably covered in a small paragraph read in a text book. I think if I had heard the stories of people who had experiences with adoption, this knowledge would have stuck with me when I was faced with my unplanned pregnancy shortly after high school. Instead, adoption was initally not an option I considered due to my lack of education on it. I knew nothing about it or that open adoption even existed. In my conversations with others, I realize this ignorance is a norm in this society. This fact scares me b/c of all the unplanned pregnancies which still take place and the women who don't know their options. I am so grateful I was guided to the Cradle to learn about adoption by my mother b/c I don't think I would have ever looked into it otherwise. This is why I am so grateful to be a part of the VAE program and hope that it begins to make a change with this issue. This passion leads me to brainstorm additional ways to educate on adoption, especially to our youth. What have been some of your experiences in conversating with others about adoption? Have you noticed this lack of education on the issue? How have you handled these conversations? What are some additional ways you think education could be made readily available to others? I'd love to hear your stories and ideas!

Hi!!
I have been doing research into a recent article written by Susan Smith and published by the Adoption Institute. The article is very interesting as it takes a sophisticated and in-depth look into adoption today as well as the misconceptions of contemporary birthmothers. In further research and elaboration of this article titled, "SAFEGUARDING THE RIGHTS AND WELL-BEING OF BIRTHPARENTS IN THE ADOPTION PROCESS," two findings and thier relationship stood out to me. The relationship which exists does not surprise me as I can identify with it through my adoption experience. These findings were that today over 90% of birthmothers have met the adoptive parents of thier child and chose them through a selection process, such as a series of profiles. The relating statistic is the lower levels of grief and greater sense of peace experienced by contemporary birthmothers. This is found as a result because of the primary fact that peace of mind is caused by the knowledge about thier children's well-being. However, in contrast "Women who have the highest grief levels are those who placed their children with the understanding that they would have ongoing information, but the arrangement was cut off." I know that I have been able to heal largely due to the open and loving relationship which has resulted from my adoption. The idea of this being "cut off" at any time is a thought almost unbearable for me to consider. However, due to the trust which has formed between my son's parents and I, I know this thought is not a realisitic one. I know they would never make this decision unless they felt it was in the best interest of Ryan. I also know they not only wanted an open relationship for themselves or I, but number one for Ryan's benefit which has always been the focus of our relationship and the decisions made that affect it. Yet, being that Illinois does not make up the mere 13 states which enforce post-adoption agreements, I also know that legally this could always be a possibility. That is why I am so grateful that our expectations and boundaries with openness were discussed before his placement and have continued to be respected throughout. I think this is extremely important for all parties involved that this conversation is had. I also think it is important to be completely honest with these expectations to avoid the trauma of disappointment which could result. That is another reason why I am so grateful for the structure and support provided by the Cradle in preparing this relationship. As a birthmother, what has been your experience with openness and how has it helped you deal with your grief? Or has it made healing more difficult? How did you prepare for the relationship? As an adoptive parent, what was your experience like in preparing your open relationship? If you are a waiting adoptive parent, do you think it would be easy for you to be completely honest with your expectations or comfort with openness when meeting a bmom? If you are pregnant and looking into adoption, please share any thoughts or questions of this topic as I'd love to hear...thanks!

Hi all!
As I am sure many of you have noticed...I am just a bit passionate about my open adoption experience and truly enjoy sharing it with others. I have learned so much from my experience as it has played a large role in becoming the woman I am today. Sharing my story has not only been a great healing mechanism, but also has been a very rewarding experience as I have been able to provide support to others. It is something I have never made private since it is so much who I am as a person. I think this is also the result of the large level of openness within my adoption relationship. I was very excited at the opportunity I had recently to share my story with a local newspaper that wished to publish my experience in an article regarding open adoption. I was ready to tell the reporter every detail of my experience and send in several pictures that I love to show off. Yet, before doing so I wanted to make sure Tracy was comfortable with thier name and other information being disclosed to a mass audience. I was surprised with her reaction as I thought she would be as excited as I was to share our story. Yet, although she was very excited and happy for me, she was much more reserved in the amount of infomation she was comfortable in being shared. The reason was to protect Ryan's privacy and keep his story private for him to share someday. Therefore, she wanted to avoid the chance someone would recognize him or remember the story upon meeting him. This was mind-opening for me as I have identified so much with my experience individually and realized that my adoption story is not just my own but is shared by all members of the open relationship. I often think of Kevin and Tracy and their privacy when sharing our story but had yet to think of it also affecting Ryan's privacy in the future. Tracy's insight was wonderful for me as I saw how she continues to always think of Ryan's best interest first. He has always been the focus of our relationship and the decisions within it and I was immediately in agreement with her decision as I was surprised I didn't think of that factor myself. Yet, I also learned that as Ryan's birthmother I do not think like his parent and I am so grateful I can trust Tracy and Kevin to do so. I am so grateful for this experience as it has taught me another important way I can look out for Ryan's best interest by always protecting his privacy. Please share your similar experiences or any opinion on mine or the topic of privacy within the open adoption relationship. I'd love to hear!

Hi there!
I recently had a conversation with a birthmother reaching the end of her pregnancy and leaning toward the decision of placing her child for an adoption. Her questions brought me to a great topic to explore for the week which is finding the "perfect match" in the adoption process. She felt that she may have been too critical in her search and was looking for opinions or advice on the issue. I believe from my experience as a birthmother that you can never be too critical or picky. Following through with the decision of adoption requires much confidence that it is the best option for your child. To reach this decision I feel it is very important to find the family that has the values and wants for a birthmother's child that are unique to her. I feel it is very important for a birthmother to take the time to meet families in order to find the right match for them. Although I know that no one is perfect...I do believe there is a "perfect" match between birthmothers and adoptive parents. The reason for this belief has much to do with my faith and belief that there is definitely a spiritual force to the process that brings families together. One of the questions that came up in this discussion is if she would "just know" the right family when they met. I absolutely believe this is the case. I knew all along in my adoption process that meeting a family would be the culminating point that would guide me to the right decision. I knew that the only way I could proceed with placement is if I found my perfect match in a family that had all I wanted for my son. With the hard work and support of the Cradle, I met this family and knew after one visit they were meant to be raise my son. I am forever grateful for them as they have exceeded my expectations and have given my son all I have wanted for him and more. I think this result has much to do with the Cradle and how hard they work to bring families together within open adoption.
What are your thoughts of this idea? As a birthmother who placed or is looking into your options, do you believe in the idea of a perfect match or that yours was? I am very interested in the opinions of adoptive families on this b/c I know this thought may be discouraging due to the selection process that exists in open adoption. I don't feel it should be b/c as I believe there is a perfect match in a family out there for each birthmother, the same applies to each adoptive family and their baby...whether the adoption is open, closed; domestic or international. I think its this belief that should bring comfort to families during the difficult waiting process. Please share your thoughts and opinions on this as I would love to hear...thanks!