advice PLEASE! Options

[Deborah]

Hi Montanna.

Although you "just became a freshman", you are wise beyond your years! Nathaniel is a lucky boy to have you and all the rest of the people who will be "really mad" if you choose adoption! Wow! That's great! Know what? Those words you wrote are exactly what every "Cradle baby" like myself wants to hear from our birth moms. We're all logging in a few at a time to read your post. You're words and your thoughts are perfect.

I don't know where you are in your decision-making process. If you choose adoption, you won't be "giving Nathaniel up!"
If you "opt for adoption" you are BUILDING a solid foundation for your son by lovingly, legally and permanently PLACING Nathaniel in the care of 2 people who will only become parents through YOU.

My mom and dad became parents almost 50 years ago because a young woman ,who was a lot like you, knew that I needed to start my life with two parents (and a million relatives) who had planning and timing working to their advantage in my favor.

My mother prayed for my birth mom every single day. I wish they could have known each other.

I love my mom and dad and BOTH of my birth parents very, very much. In my day, (gosh, that makes me sound old!) everything was very anonymous. Two or three Cradle social workers were matchers for 250 babies, birth parents and prospective parents in 1960. Now birth moms get to pick their babies parents, which is probably a good thing; but if I was a birth mother, I would ask the social workers whom they would choose (and why), and THEN make my decision. I have learned that my parents and my relatives are like an Italian version of my birth family. It is amazing! They're almost identical.

The only difference between my parents and my birth parents were circumstances. Although I love my parents, I wouldn't choose to come into this world in any different way or time. I'm very proud to be the best of four parents, not two. My mom and dad taught me that they weren't blessed with children for a reason, and that sometimes someone like you is faced with a tough decision because in some way, the world needs a person that the adopted parents couldnt' create. I would have liked everything to be easy and happy for my birth mom, because she is a wonderful person.

A few years ago, I found my biological grandpa's 1961 death notice in an old newspaper. Right there and then, I realized something very important:
If my birth mother had been selfish, she and her 60-year old mother would have been raising me all alone because my grandpa died when I was only one year old.

Nathaniel's birth isn't the only surprise that life is ever going to bring for either one of you. Right now, because you're a great mom,. your thoughts are focused entirely on Nathaniel. A huge part of Nathaniel's happiness in life is going to depend on you becoming the best that you can be. Adoption or not.

When I was 15 years old, many of my sentences began with the words, "When I'm 18...." because I wasn't old enough to do any of the things that I dreamed about. If I was a mom at 15, I don't know how I would have made legal decisions for my baby. I was a kid myself. I was smart, I was nice, but I certainly was not ready to be a parent. I loved to babysit. In fact, the women at my church had a party for me when I left for college because I was such a good babysitter. Two years later, when I got married (rather suddenly) my mom and dad did a lot to help out. One week before my first wedding anniversary, my oldest child was born. Luckily for me, our 28 year old daughter can't remember that her father and I never had paper towels in the house because we could barely afford to buy toilet paper, kleenex and napkins at the same time.

No matter what you choose, you have to live up to your full potential and make the most that you can of your life--for Nathaniel. You matter, too, you know! As an adopted person, I always understood that I was chosen. I grew up believing and knowing that I was a blessing. I never heard an unkind whisper from a busy-body about the way I came into this world. My birth mom was the unknown invisible saint of our household. I never had to look at my mother and think, "if she didn't have me, she might have more for herself". I'm telling you this because the circumstances of my childhood brought unexpected medical expenses, and long term care commitments that my parents could afford because they were financially prepared for emergencies.

Montanna, you are one wonderful person. Every parent on the waiting list at The Cradle would be proud to raise a baby that came into this world with your love and your genes. Nathaniel will grow up to be thoughtful and kind, regardless of what you decide because he inherited your goodness.
If you raise Nathaniel yourself, you should never be ashamed that you considered adoption. If you choose adoption, there is no place better than
The Cradle.

I think that you have all the qualities of an excellent student councilor. Maybe you'll be a class officer while you're in high school. I loved every single day of high school. My only complaint was that it was too short. They're very important years, but they fly by! Suddenly, you wake up, and you're not a freshman like you used to be! If you and your family decide to raise Nathaniel together, he will probably begin pre-kindergarten in the same September that you start college!

No matter what you decide, you came to the right place when you contacted The Cradle!

[Lisa@thecradle]

Hi Montanna,

Thank you for sharing a bit about yourself and your situation on our forum. I am glad that 'alinds' has already responded to you and hopefully you'll get helpful responses here from others as well.

It is obvious that you have given this a lot of thought and that you are really thinking about Nathaniel and what's best for him, even before yourself. That shows what a courageous and loving mom you are. Not all people understand that when a woman considers adoption she is trying to think about what will be best for her child, which can be a difficult thing to do.

'Alinds' was right- if you decide that you'd like to learn more about adoption, one of our counselors would be able to help you think about ALL of your options- both parenting and adoption. The counselor could also talk with you about the situation with Nathaniel's father and his feelings, as well as helping the two of you learn about things like open adoption. If you feel like you want to learn more, have any questions, or just want to talk- we're here for you. You can call us anytime, at 1-800-272-3534.

Take care,

Lisa

[alinds]

Dear Montanna,

You are going through a lot right now and I wish the very best for you and your baby. I cannot tell you if adoption is the right choice for you, but a counselor at the Cradle might be able to help you ask the right questions to help decide if an adoption plan is the right decision. I know there are agencies who will try and pressure you into adoption but to my knowledge the Cradle does not do that.

I think it is important to first look at all you options for parenting your baby. Does your area offer any special programs to assist teen moms? If you wanted to make an adoption plan for your baby would your baby's father support the plan or want to raise the baby himself? There are a lot of questions you will need to explore before making such a big decision.

Take as much time as you need to explore all of your options. And if you choose adoption, choose to work with a reputable ethical agency like the Cradle.

I wish you and your baby all the best and I hope whatever decision you make that you will find peace and happiness. You sounds like a very smart and loving mom.

[montanna]

well. My name is Montanna. Im 15 years old.
And on June 27th of this year my son Nathaniel was born.
when i was pregnant. Adoption was not adoption, in fact it was the farthest thing from my mind. I felt that hes MY son. he needs to be raised by ME! and hey
i made my bed now i gotta lay in it right?
Well. after having him and actually KNOWING him i want better for him.
But his father doesnt want to give him up
i know that if i wanted to be a bitch
i could just do this behind his back
but.
I couldnt do that to him
I think that him not having his father around really pushed him to wanna be the best father.
But he wont even think about it.
I think about Nathaniel and i feel really guilty for wanting to give him up.
Im from a town where theres ALOT of teen pregnancies, our alternative shcool even has a day care!!
And i think that so many young girls around me have done it. i can do it too right??
But the thing about that is day care only takes them for 2 1/2 years old and i just became a freshman!!
Im not too sure if all this is making sense because my mind is so jumbled right now.
Alot of people would be angry if i gave him up.
but if i did
i know that i would be thinking about 2 kids not just one.
Im not too sure if i make sense but please help!!
i really need advice from someone outside the box.