Read some suggestions and strategies for how to make open adoption work at different stages in a child’s life.

Infancy and Early Childhood (0-3)

Building Attachment and Entitlement

The first task of an infant is to build attachment with her caregivers. You foster that attachment by meeting her needs – coming to her when she cries, feeding her when she’s hungry, and changing her diaper when she’s wet. Forming an attachment with you will make her more able to be independent later, because she will know that she has you, a secure presence, to return to if she needs to.

When your child attaches to you, she is also confirming your feelings of entitlement. Just by taking care of her each day, you are confirming that you are her parent – and you have the right to be.

You can begin to weave adoption into the fabric of your child’s experience by talking about how you wanted a baby but couldn’t have one, and how the birth mother (use her name) couldn’t take care of her baby and chose you to raise her. You can make the story part of her bedtime ritual or something you talk about on birthdays or “Gotcha Day.”

You might want to create a Lifebook that you continue to add to as she grows older. For information on creating and using a Lifebook, see the Adoption Learning Partners Lifebooks course. Make sure to use positive language when speaking about the birth parents and keep the information basic and age appropriate.

You might feel silly telling her about her adoption story before she is old enough to talk, but it’s good practice for you. You’re likely to fumble it the first couple of times. A good rule of thumb – if she can remember the first time she learned she was adopted, you waited too long.

Now is the time to decide what to call the birth parents. Some parents want some kind of title to indicate that the birth parent has a special position in the family, like “Aunt Suzy” or “Momma Martha.” Others fear that this will be confusing to the child. The important thing is to choose a name and stick to it. Your child will grow to understand that the birth parents have a special relationship with her, regardless of what she calls them.

The birth parents should be part of your child’s life, like other family members. Show your child photo albums or put photos in their bedroom. When they see pictures of the birth parents then birth parents are real to them, not just fantasy figures. Sometimes toddlers “talk” on the phone with people, and birth parents can be involved (maybe even Skype with them). Depending on the degree of openness you’ve worked out with the birth parents, you might get together with them once or several times a year, maybe at a park or even at your home.

Preschool and Kindergarten (4-6)

Where Did I Come From?

Children at this age can begin to understand the facts of life. They may start asking questions like, “Did I grow inside your tummy?” It’s important to be clear about the role of the birth mother, the birth father and the fact that she was born, just like other children. Many children say things like, “I wish I’d grown inside you” to their adoptive mothers, or “I grew in your tummy, didn’t I?” to their birth mothers. This is common and it is the child’s way of processing the information.

It is sometimes painful for adoptive parents to have children at this age push them away. They are beginning to see themselves as separate from their caregivers. At the same time, they want to assert a measure of control in their lives. They may begin to see visiting birth parents as their personal property, and tell other family members, “You can’t be here when Mommy Stacy is here.” Parents can remind the child that the birth mother is coming to visit the whole family, but she can spend some time alone with her. At the same time, you can remind yourself that your son might very well do the same thing if his godmother comes to visit, and if that isn’t threatening, why should it be with a birth mother.

Children at this age become very observant about the differences and similarities between people. They may make frequent remarks about how you and she look different, or she will try to find similarities between you. She may say, “You and I have the same color eyes. My birth mother has blue eyes, but we have brown eyes.” It’s her way of trying to see where she fits in the family.

Elementary School (7-11)

Insecurity

Kids at this age begin understanding adoption as a concept and not just a word. They start wondering why their birth parents aren’t raising them and they may fear being returned to them. They may begin wondering about what will happen if their adoptive parents die. They may worry that their birth parents placed them for adoption because they did something wrong, and are scared if they do something wrong, they’ll be moved to a different family.

This kind of insecurity may manifest itself with questions to you or the child may begin to withdraw from the birth parents or not to want to spend time with them. Try and talk to the child about his feelings and let him know it’s ok to take a break, that he’s not obliged to spend time with his birth parents if he doesn’t want to. Of course, you’ll also want to reassure the birth parents that this is a phase, and you’re respecting your child’s feelings. An advantage of an open adoption is that the birth parents can help calm the child’s fears by answering his questions directly.

Children of this age may fear being returned to the birth family but they also grieve the loss of the family they never had. They may be angry about not being raised by the birth parents, not because he isn’t happy with his adoptive family, but just because it would make his life easier and more “normal.” He may not express his grief or anger overtly, he may not even be aware he’s feeling it, but it may come out in his behavior: rages, acting out, regression and psychosomatic illness can all be signs of grief or anger.

Parents can help their child cope with their feelings first by encouraging the child to express them. If the child isn’t comfortable talking about it, sometimes t helps having him write in a journal or with art or poetry. Projects like creating a family tree or writing an autobiography can give him a chance to identify the questions he has and explore his feelings about the answers.

As children grow older and begin to identify their own interests, strengths and weaknesses, they may begin thinking about how they fit into the adoptive family. This would be true whether an adoption was open or not. It is tempting for adoptive families to fall into the habit of attributing all of a child’s good qualities to environment and all the bad qualities to genetic, but in an open adoption it is easier for the child to see the genetic similarities (and differences) for himself.

For some kids this is a time when more contact with a birth family is desired because it can be reassuring to them that there are people who are more like them in certain respects.

Adolescence (12-18)

Identity Formation

The teen years are a time of experimentation and trying on different identities. As many questions as ordinary teens have as they develop their identities, adopted kids, even in open adoptions, have more. On top of the usual challenges adolescents face, kids who have been adopted need to integrate their social (adoptive) and biological (birth) worlds into a coherent whole so their stories make sense to them.

Kids in open adoptions may try to assert their independence from their adoptive parents by acting more like the birth parents. They may be curious about the concept of kinship and may want to seek out extended birth family members with whom they have not yet had a relationship. This could be a mixed blessing, depending on how positively or negatively the interactions go.

All teens want to assert their independence from their parents as a first step towards being on their own. They may physically separate themselves by spending more time away from home, or by disobeying rules or rejecting parents’ assistance or suggestions.

Adopted teens may feel a particular need to assert control over their lives since major decisions were made about their lives without consulting them. They may become more aware of the losses caused by adoption and seek a closer relationship with birth parents, setting up visits on their own without consulting adoptive parents. Conversely, they may want birth parents to feel the same rejection that they feel and may resist contact.

Adoptive parents may fear their teenagers’ growing independence because it means their role as caregiver is coming to an end. While that is a normal part of a child’s development, it sometimes seems more threatening to adoptive parents. Adopted children may be pushing the boundaries of their parents’ control because they are worried about the ties they will have with their family once they leave home. They may fear the separation because it feels like a rejection – like being relinquished by parents once again. So to prevent feeling rejected, they may act as if they are the ones doing the rejection by pushing boundaries. Even though the child is bigger and older, he still needs the reassurance that he’ll be loved regardless of how much the boundaries are pushed.

For some teens, the drive for independence can lead them to make poor choices. They may put themselves in situations where they fail, as if validating their own lack of self worth. They may enter into relationships too quickly, and then feel devastated when they end. They may have trouble academically, in a subconscious effort to prolong high school and postpone separation from the adoptive family.

For some the behaviors may be more serious: substance abuse, pregnancy, law-breaking. Adopted teens may try to excuse their behavior by saying that they are like their birth parents. If you have a good relationship with the birth parents, you can ask them to speak to your teen and explain the consequences their choices had on their lives. You might wish to talk with the birth parents in advance about these issues, to be sure that you’re on the same page and don’t undermine each other.

This strategy can also backfire – teens who had good relationships with birth parents may also push them away, seeing them as just more authority figures.

Now that we have explored how the developmental stages can impact a child’s response to openness, let’s explore some tips and traps of keeping connections alive.

Keeping Connections Alive

Use The Internet

The Internet has changed the way that we interact with all sorts of people in our lives, and that’s just as true for adoptive and birth families. Here are just a few ways you can use online tools to keep in contact with each other.

  • Facebook – Post photos, describe family events, write quick notes on each others’ wall. Many find it’s best to have a separate Facebook account to share with birth parents. Together, discuss who can post pictures of the child.
  • Photo Sharing Sites (Picassa/Snapfish/Flickr) – Share photos, child’s artwork, events.
  • Family blog – Some adoptive parents begin blogging about their adoption journey, so it’s natural to continue.
  • Email – Parents can share news and photos, later the child can communicate for herself.
  • Text/Chat – A quick way to update each other with news and to make or change meeting plans.
  • Skype/Google Voice – Inexpensive ways to talk long-distance.
  • Video chat – The child and birth parents can see and hear each other without “territory” issues for the birth and adoptive families.

Holidays and special events need to be handled with some sensitivity. Every family has a different tradition of celebrating things alone or with/at the homes of other family members. Part of working together to establish your particular open adoption is deciding which holidays/events to celebrate together in person (if any). Some special days might warrant two separate celebrations- one with grandparents/aunts/cousins and the other with just your family and the birth family.

  • Birthdays: You might have two birthday parties for your child- for example, one at home with friends and family and the other at a restaurant with the birth parent’s family. Eventually you might combine the two and celebrate together.
  • Mother’s Day: Mother’s Day may seem like a natural time to celebrate the birth mother, but for some birth mothers this is a sad day. It may also be difficult for the child who may feel some conflicting feelings. An alternative Mother’s Day is recognized the Saturday before Mother’s Day and is known as Birthmother’s Day. If celebrating in person isn’t an option, the child can make a card or color a picture to send to her birth mom.
  • Other celebrations: Consider attending religious ceremonies (bris, christening, communion, bar mitzvah, etc.) and birthday parties for birth mother’s other children (adopted child’s siblings).
  • Consider attending the birth parent’s graduation, wedding or other milestones (with or without the child).

You don’t have to invite the birth parents to your home if it makes either of you uncomfortable. For some birth parents, the greater affluence of the adoptive parents might reinforce what they were not able to give the child. Adoptive parents may not be comfortable letting the child visit the home of the birth parents or grandparents, unless they accompany him.

  • Invite the birth parents to events like school plays or sporting events.
  • Go to a park with your child, birth parents and birth parents’ other children.
  • Let the birth parents take the child to museums, zoos or sporting events.
  • Celebrate birthdays or holidays at restaurants.
  • Take vacations together at a water park or amusement park.
  • Go to neighborhoods/ activities/ restaurants/ museums reflective of your child’s ethnic/ cultural heritage.
  • Get together on special holidays, cook together and share recipes.
  • Celebrate holidays by attending services at the birth parents’ house of worship.
  • Ask the birth parents to help your child with the family tree project at school.
  • Ask the birth parents or birth grandparents to show family photo albums to your child.
  • Create a Lifebook and read it to the child, let her help add pages with pictures or stories she dictates.
  • Read adoption storybooks, appropriate to age level.
  • Initiate conversations about his feelings of anger/grief/confusion about why he was placed for adoption; involve his birth parent in the conversation if possible.
  • Watch movies about adoption, talk about what felt right, what seemed wrong.
  • Join a support group.

Children need to know that they have both a birth mother and father. Even if the birth father is not part of the child’s life, you should include him in the child’s adoption story, and tell what you know or as much as you can fill-in. As your child grows older he will want more details. You or the birth mother should explain what you can, in non-judgmental language. For example, “You were made by your birth mother and father, but they didn’t know each other very well. Your birth mother just didn’t think that either of them were in a position to take care of a child.”