Birth Parent Questions
What should I do if I don't have information about my child's birth mother?
If you have no information about your child’s birth parents, admit it honestly. Explain, “We don’t have any information about your birth parents. We don’t even know their names. But we know you have them.” When you and your child are ready to talk about procreation, explain that process. Talk to your child about what qualities they think they got from their birth parents. Have them imagine what they think they might look like. Have them draw a picture and include it in the Lifebook. Help them label their feelings or wishes. Don’t skip the page about the birth parents just because you don’t have the information. Your child needs to understand that they have both a birth mother and a birth father.
I have very little information about the birth mother, what should I say?
Include what you can. Information has a way of being lost over time and getting it down into the Lifebook now can preserve it for your child.
How can my child and I work on this together?
Talk to your child about their birth parents. Ask if they have any memories of them and write them down. Even if they don’t have specific memories, they may associate a certain smell or a favorite food with them. If you don’t have any information, ask your child to tell you what they think their birth parents were like. Children often fantasize about their birth parents, imagining them to be very special and perhaps somewhat magical. The Lifebook can help them to have a more realistic picture. You can talk to your child about the circumstances of their birth. If you do not have a picture of their birth parents, ask them to imagine what they looked like and draw a picture to include in the Lifebook. If you do have photographs, have them choose which ones to include here. Working with your child on the Lifebook is a wonderful way to share information about their history. However, you need to proceed slowly and be sensitive to your child’s age, attention span and feelings. You may need to work on only one page or section at a time. Some pages may trigger feelings of grief and loss. Provide a relaxing activity when you finish each section. Remember, there is no timetable for completing the Lifebook, take it as slowly as you need to, according to your child’s interest and emotional capacity.
I know something unpleasant about the birth mother. Should I include it?
A Lifebook should be an honest account of your child’s life and an accurate picture of who they are. Parents want to protect their children from pain, so it is natural for them to want to gloss over the difficult parts of a child’s history. But trust is also an essential part of parenting, and your child needs to know that you will tell them the truth about their past. You can tell the story with sensitivity and tact, and add information according to the age and comprehension of the child. But you need to share what you know, however painful. It is also good to keep in mind that your child may already know this information either because they experienced it or a member of their birth family told them about it. And if they don’t know about it now, they likely will some day. It is better that the information comes from you.
My child has disturbing memories of the birth mother. How should I handle that?
Children with traumatic histories can use the Lifebook to work out issues from their past, but consider working with a mental health professional. A therapist who is familiar with adoption issues would be best. They can help your child cope with emotional responses to the material, and can provide advice and support for you as well. Together you can decide whether or not to include the disturbing memories but you do need to acknowledge the birth parents in this section. If your child is already working with a therapist, be sure to share the fact that you are working on the Lifebook with them.
We are in an open adoption, how do we complete this section?
Your child’s birth parents will always be an important part of their life; particularly if they are people they have a relationship with. If you have contact with the birth parents, ask them to write a brief description of themselves to include in this section of the Lifebook. Be sure to get pictures to include also. You might also ask them for a family tree or create one together during a visit. It is, a nice addition to this section of the Lifebook.
Sibling Questions
What information should I include on these pages?
Include whatever information you have about the birth siblings. This is the place to describe, in as much detail as you can, the people who share your child’s genes.
What should I do if I do not know if my child had siblings?
If you do not know of any birth siblings you may choose to skip this page. However, if your child is older, they may ask about siblings. Leave it up to them as to whether or not they want to create a page for siblings that may or may not exist. Explain that you too have wondered about siblings.
Should I wait to tell my child about siblings?
Some experts liken waiting to tell your child about siblings to waiting to talk about adoption. It’s usually better to discuss this early on. That being said, you need to be sensitive to your child’s emotional age and advice about when to tell them is likely to vary depending on the circumstances. Your child will have many questions and is best brought up when they feel stable. You might consider working on this section of the Lifebook with a therapist who is familiar with adoption issues, especially if your child has had a traumatic history. They can help your child cope with emotional responses to the material, and can provide advice and support for you as well.
How do I explain why my child was placed for adoption when siblings were not?
Some experts liken waiting to tell your child about siblings to waiting to talk about adoption. It’s usually better to discuss this early on. That being said, you need to be sensitive to your child’s emotional age and advice about when to tell him is likely to vary depending on the circumstances. Your child will have many questions and is best brought up when he feels stable. You might consider working on this section of the Lifebook with a therapist who is familiar with adoption issues, especially if your child has had a traumatic history. He can help your child cope with his emotional responses to the material, and can provide advice and support for you as well.
Extended Family Questions
What information should I include on these pages?
Children are usually older when questions about the extended birth family come up. Include whatever information you have about the extended birth family. This is the place to describe, in as much detail as you can, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and any distant relatives you know about. If you only have information on the birth mother’s side of the family, be sure to include a place for the birth father’s family and indicate that little or nothing is known about that side of the family.
What should I do if I do not have any information about my child's birth family?
If you have no information about your child’s birth family, you may choose to skip this page but you may want to consider including a page where you admit having no information.