Read some suggestions and strategies for how to make open adoption work at different stages in a child’s life.

Infancy and Early Childhood (0-3)

Building Attachment and Entitlement

The first task of an infant is to build attachment with their caregivers. You foster that attachment by meeting needs – coming to then when they cry, feeding then when they’re hungry and changing their diaper when they’re wet. Forming an attachment with you will make them more able to be independent later, because they will know that they have you, a secure presence, to return to if they need to.

When your child attaches to you, they are also confirming your feelings of entitlement. Just by taking care of them each day, you are confirming that you are their parent and you have the right to be.

You can begin to weave adoption into the fabric of your child’s experience by talking about how you wanted a baby but couldn’t have one, and how the birth parent (use their name) couldn’t take care of their baby and chose you to raise them. You can make the story part of their bedtime ritual or something you talk about on birthdays or “Family Day.”

You might want to create a Lifebook that you continue to add to as they grow older. For information on creating and using a Lifebook, see the Adoption Learning Partners Lifebooks course. Make sure to use positive language when speaking about the birth parents and keep the information basic and age appropriate.

You might feel silly telling them about their adoption story before they are old enough to talk, but it’s good practice for you. You’re likely to fumble it the first couple of times. A good rule of thumb: If they can remember the first time they learned they were adopted, you waited too long.

Now is the time to decide what to call the birth parents. Some parents want some kind of title to indicate that the birth parent has a special position in the family, like “Aunt Suzy” or “Momma Martha.” Others fear that this will be confusing to the child. The important thing is to choose a name and stick to it. Your child will grow to understand that the birth parents have a special relationship, regardless of what they calls them.

The birth parents should be part of your child’s life like other family members. Show your child photo albums or put photos in their bedroom. When they see pictures of the birth parents, then birth parents are real to them and not just fantasy figures. Sometimes toddlers “talk” on the phone or video call with people, and birth parents can be involved. Depending on the degree of openness you’ve worked out with the birth parents, you might get together with them once or several times a year, maybe at a park or even at your home.

Preschool and Kindergarten (4-6)

Where Did I Come From?

Children at this age can begin to understand the facts of life. They may start asking questions like, “Did I grow inside your tummy?” It’s important to be clear about the role of the birth mother, the birth father and the fact that they were born just like other children. Many children say things like, “I wish I’d grown inside you,” to their adoptive mothers, or “I grew in your tummy, didn’t I?” to their birth mothers. This is common and it is the child’s way of processing the information.

It is sometimes painful for adoptive parents to have children at this age push them away. They are beginning to see themselves as separate from their caregivers. At the same time, they want to assert a measure of control in their lives. They may begin to see visiting birth parents as their personal property, and tell other family members, “You can’t be here when Mommy Stacy is here.” Parents can remind the child that the birth parent is coming to visit the whole family, but they can spend some time alone. At the same time, you can remind yourself that your child might very well do the same thing if their godmother comes to visit, and if that isn’t threatening, why should it be with a birth mother?

Children at this age become very observant about the differences and similarities between people. They may make frequent remarks about how you two look different, or will try to find similarities between you. They may say, “You and I have the same color eyes. My birth father has blue eyes, but we have brown eyes.” It’s their way of trying to see where they fit in the family.

Elementary School (7-11)

Insecurity

Kids at this age begin understanding adoption as a concept and not just a word. They start wondering why their birth parents aren’t raising them and they may fear being returned to them. They may begin wondering about what will happen if their adoptive parents die. They may worry that their birth parents placed them for adoption because they did something wrong, and are scared if they do something wrong, they’ll be moved to a different family.

This kind of insecurity may manifest itself with questions to you, or the child may begin to withdraw from the birth parents or not to want to spend time with them. Try and talk to the child about their feelings and let them know it’s ok to take a break, that they are not obliged to spend time with birth parents. Of course, you’ll also want to reassure the birth parents that this is a phase and that you’re respecting your child’s feelings. An advantage of an open adoption is that the birth parents can help calm the child’s fears by answering questions directly.

Children of this age may fear being returned to the birth family but they also grieve the loss of the family they never had. They may be angry about not being raised by the birth parents, not because they aren’t happy with their adoptive family, but just because it would make their life easier and more “normal.” They may not express grief or anger overtly, or even be aware they’re feeling it. It may come out in behavior: rages, acting out, regression and psychosomatic illness can all be signs of grief or anger.

Parents can help their child cope with their feelings first by encouraging the child to express them. If the child isn’t comfortable talking about it, sometimes it helps having them write in a journal or with art or poetry. Projects like creating a family tree or writing an autobiography can give them a chance to identify the questions they have and explore feelings about the answers.

As children grow older and begin to identify their own interests, strengths and weaknesses, they may begin thinking about how they fit into the adoptive family. This would be true whether an adoption was open or not. It is tempting for adoptive families to fall into the habit of attributing all of a child’s good qualities to environment and all the bad qualities to genetics. But in an open adoption, it is easier for the child to see the genetic similarities and differences for themself.

For some kids, this is a time when more contact with a birth family is desired because it can be reassuring to them that there are people who are more like them in certain respects.

Adolescence (12-18)

Identity Formation

The teen years are a time of experimentation and trying on different identities. As many questions as ordinary teens have as they develop their identities, adopted kids, even in open adoptions, have more. On top of the usual challenges adolescents face, kids who have been adopted need to integrate their social (adoptive) and biological (birth) worlds into a coherent whole so their stories make sense to them.

Kids in open adoptions may try to assert their independence from their adoptive parents by acting more like the birth parents. They may be curious about the concept of kinship and may want to seek out extended birth family members with whom they have not yet had a relationship. This could be a mixed blessing, depending on how positively or negatively the interactions go.

All teens want to assert their independence from their parents as a first step towards being on their own. They may physically separate themselves by spending more time away from home, or by disobeying rules or rejecting parents’ assistance or suggestions.

Adopted teens may feel a particular need to assert control over their lives since major decisions were made about their lives without consulting them. They may become more aware of the losses caused by adoption and seek a closer relationship with birth parents, setting up visits on their own without consulting adoptive parents. Conversely, they may want birth parents to feel the same rejection that they feel and may resist contact.

Adoptive parents may fear their teenagers’ growing independence because it means their role as caregiver is coming to an end. While that is a normal part of a child’s development, it sometimes seems more threatening  for adoptive parents. Adopted children may be pushing the boundaries of their parents’ control because they are worried about the ties they will have with their family once they leave home. They may fear the separation because it feels like a rejection, like being relinquished by parents once again. So to prevent feeling rejected, they may act as if they are the ones doing the rejection by pushing boundaries. Even though the child is older, they still needs the reassurance that they’ll be loved regardless of how much the boundaries are pushed.

For some teens, the drive for independence can lead them to make poor choices. They may put themselves in situations where they fail, as if validating their own lack of self worth. They may enter into relationships too quickly, and then feel devastated when they end. They may have trouble academically in a subconscious effort to prolong high school and postpone separation from the adoptive family.

For some, the behaviors may be more serious: Substance abuse, pregnancy, law-breaking, etc. Adopted teens may try to excuse their behavior by saying that they are like their birth parents. If you have a good relationship with the birth parents, you can ask them to speak to your teen and explain the consequences their choices had on their lives. You might wish to talk with the birth parents in advance about these issues to be sure that you’re on the same page and don’t undermine one another.

This strategy can also backfire. Teens who had good relationships with birth parents may also push them away when seeing them as just more authority figures.

Now that we have explored how the developmental stages can impact a child’s response to openness, let’s explore some tips and traps of keeping connections alive.

Keeping Connections Alive

Use The Internet

The Internet has changed the way that we interact with all sorts of people in our lives, and that’s just as true for adoptive and birth families. Here are just a few ways you can use online tools to keep in contact with each other.

  • Facebook – You can post photos, describe family events and write quick notes on each others’ wall. Many find it’s best to have a separate Facebook account to share with birth parents. Discuss who can post pictures of the child together.
  • Photo Sharing Sites (Picassa/Snapfish/Flickr) – You can share photos, child’s artwork and family events.
  • Family blog – Some adoptive parents begin blogging about their adoption journey, so it’s natural to continue after the adoption.
  • Email – Parents can share news and photo and later the child can communicate for themself.
  • Text – A quick way to update each other with news and to make or change meeting plans.
  • Video chat – The child and birth parents can see and hear each other without “territory” issues for the birth and adoptive families.

Holidays and special events need to be handled with some sensitivity. Every family has a different tradition of celebrating things alone or at the homes of other family members. Part of working together to establish your particular open adoption is deciding which holidays and events to celebrate together, if any. Some special days might warrant separate celebrations: One with extended family and another with just your family and the birth family.

You don’t have to invite the birth parents to your home if it makes either of you uncomfortable. For some birth parents, the greater affluence of the adoptive parents might reinforce what they were not able to give the child. Adoptive parents may not be comfortable letting the child visit the home of the birth parents or grandparents, unless they accompany them.

  • Invite the birth parents to events like school plays or sporting events.
  • Go to a park with your child, birth parents and birth parents’ other children.
  • Let the birth parents take the child to museums, zoos or sporting events.
  • Celebrate birthdays or holidays at restaurants.
  • Take vacations together at a water park or amusement park.
  • Go to neighborhoods, activities, restaurants and museums reflective of your child’s ethnic and cultural heritage.
  • Get together on special holidays, cook together and share recipes.
  • Celebrate holidays by attending services at the birth parents’ house of worship.
  • Ask the birth parents to help your child with the family tree project at school.
  • Ask the birth parents or birth grandparents to show family photo albums to your child.
  • Create a Lifebook and read it to the child. Let them help add pages with pictures or stories they dictate.
  • Read adoption storybooks appropriate to age level.
  • Initiate conversations about feelings of anger, grief and confusion about why they were placed for adoption. Involve birth parents in the conversation if possible.
  • Watch movies about adoption and talk about what felt right and what seemed wrong.
  • Join a support group.

Children need to know that they have both a birth mother and father. Even if the birth father is not part of the child’s life, you should include him in the child’s adoption story and tell what you know or as much as you can fill-in. As your child grows older, they will want more details. You or the birth mother should explain what you can in non-judgmental language. For example, “You were made by your birth mother and father, but they didn’t know each other very well. Your birth mother just didn’t think that either of them were in a position to take care of a child.”