Are you pregnant and considering adoption? Even when adoption feels like the right decision, it can bring intense and complicated emotions. Whether you’re a birth parent, adoptee or adoptive parent, grief is a real and valid part of the adoption journey. Understanding the different ways adoption grief shows up, and how to care for yourself through it, is an essential part of healing.
Emotional and Physical Responses to Grief
Grief after adoption may surface during pregnancy, shortly after placement, or even years later. You may feel some or all of the following reactions, or different ones entirely.
Emotional Responses
- Overwhelm or numbness
- Anxiety, guilt, or shame
- Hopelessness or sadness
- Irritability or anger
- Feeling emotionally “cut off”
- Difficulty connecting with others
Physical Responses
- Fatigue or insomnia
- Headaches, nausea or body tension
- Loss of appetite or emotional eating
- Crying spells or chest tightness
- Difficulty concentrating or staying present
Adoption Grief Across the Adoption Triad
Grief doesn’t affect just one person. It lives in the stories of birth parents, adoptees and adoptive families, each in unique ways.
Birth Parent Grief
- Complex and continuous: The grief of placing a child for adoption does not end with the decision. Missed milestones and life moments may reopen emotional wounds over time.
- Disenfranchised Grief: Many birth parents feel isolated in their sadness. When their grief is not openly acknowledged or supported, it becomes harder to process.
- Need for Support: Counseling, support groups, and access to caring professionals are essential. The Cradle provides a space where your grief is heard and supported.
- Positive Reflections: Remembering the love and care behind your decision can be grounding. Giving a child a safe, loving home and pursuing personal growth are powerful and meaningful choices.
Adoptee Grief
- Ambiguous Loss: Many adoptees experience grief for someone they never knew. When birth parents are absent physically but present in memory, this lack of closure can deeply affect identity and emotional well-being.
- Disenfranchised Grief: Society often focuses on the “happy ending” of adoption, leaving adoptees unsure if their grief is acceptable. This can lead to suppressed or unspoken pain.
- Disruption in Identity Formation: Not having clear information about origin can affect self-esteem, a sense of belonging, and connection to cultural or genetic history.
- Reunion Triggers: Meeting a birth parent can be meaningful, but may also bring a resurgence of grief as past separations are revisited.
- Abandonment Trauma: Some adoptees carry a lasting fear of abandonment, which can impact their ability to form secure attachments throughout life.
Adoptive Parent Grief
- Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome (PADS): Some adoptive parents experience depression, anxiety or stress after placement, especially if early challenges are unexpected.
- Ambiguous Loss: Adoptive parents may grieve the absence of a biological bond or carry emotional weight from their child’s loss of first family.
- Family Dynamics: Welcoming a new child can shift routines and relationships in a family, especially for older siblings, bringing emotions that may be difficult to name.
Types of Grief in Adoption
Understanding the language around grief can help normalize what you’re feeling.
Adoption grief
The layered emotional pain tied to separation, identity challenges, and life transitions within adoption. It can resurface over time, often triggered by milestones, relationships or life changes.
Disenfranchised grief
Grief that isn’t socially recognized or supported, often experienced by birth parents and adoptees. Because it’s rarely acknowledged, this grief can feel isolating and may go unprocessed for years.
Ambiguous loss
Grieving someone who is physically absent but emotionally present, or physically present but emotionally unavailable. This lack of closure can create chronic stress and a sense of confusion about how to move forward.
Identity loss
The lack of clarity about one’s origin and story, often experienced by adoptees, that can make it hard to feel grounded or whole. Without a clear personal narrative, it may be difficult to fully form a sense of self or connect with cultural roots.
Stages of Grief in Adoption
Grief is not linear. You may move through these stages more than once, or in a different order.
- Denial: Disbelief or shock that the loss has occurred
- Anger: Frustration at the situation or people involved
- Bargaining: Thoughts of “what if” or wishing for a different outcome
- Depression: Sadness, fatigue, or emotional withdrawal
- Acceptance: Starting to make peace with the experience
Meaning: Finding growth, purpose, or healing from the journey
Coping and Healing Strategies
Acknowledge and Normalize Adoption Grief
Grief is not a sign you made the wrong decision. It is a natural response to loss and a reflection that the experience mattered.
Seek Support
You don’t have to navigate this alone. Therapists trained in adoption-related grief and peer support groups can provide understanding, helpful tools, and a safe space to heal.
Create a Safe Space
Families grow stronger when every member feels safe to express their emotions without judgment. Making space for open conversations about grief encourages healing and emotional connection.
Talk About It
Honest conversations about adoption help reduce isolation and create space for healing. Sharing your feelings and experiences can build trust, deepen connections, and remind you that you’re not alone.
Practice Self-Care
Engaging in activities like movement, journaling, mindfulness, or rest can support emotional healing. Taking care of your body and mind creates space to process grief in healthy ways.
Adoption Resources and Support
Whether you’re planning on adoption, parenting after placement or navigating your own adoption story, your feelings matter. Adoption grief is real — and healing is possible.
If you’re looking for answers to common questions about the process or emotional experience of adoption, visit our Adoption FAQ section.
Contact The Cradle at helpline@cradle.org or 800-CRADLE4 (800-272-3534).
If you have thoughts of hurting yourself please seek help immediately by calling 988 (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline), 911, or by going to your nearest emergency room.
For the Perinatal/Postpartum Depression 24-hour support crisis line, call 866-364-6667
