Starting college is a major milestone that brings excitement and changes for families. Read The Cradle’s guide on navigating the unique opportunities and challenges that college can bring to adopted young adults and their families.
What Should All Families Consider Before Their Child Goes to College?
For many young adults, college is the first opportunity to build a life beyond the familiarity of home. While students who are adopted may encounter some unique experiences during this transition, many of the opportunities and challenges of college are shared by all students. Learning to live away from home, balance new responsibilities and find a sense of belonging are significant adjustments for every family.
Some students are ready for the academic demands of college, but the emotional and executive functioning demands of living away from home for the first time can present challenges they may not be prepared for. This stage of emerging adulthood is an important time for developing skills and making independent decisions, such as:
- Time Management and Planning: College requires students to manage their time independently by balancing classes, free time and long-term assignments without the structure of a typical school day.
- Organization and Focus: Students must learn to start assignments without reminders, stay organized across multiple classes and digital platforms, and retain focus despite distractions from phones and campus life.
- Emotional Regulation and Self-Advocacy: Students need to manage stress, cope with setbacks and recognize when to seek support from professors, tutors or other campus resources.
- Managing Finances: College often brings a student’s first experience managing a budget, paying for everyday expenses and making financial decisions independently.
- Health and Wellbeing: Students become responsible for managing their physical and mental health, including maintaining healthy habits, taking medications, scheduling medical appointments and making decisions about alcohol, drugs and smoking.
Many of today’s college students spent formative middle school and high school years during the COVID-19 pandemic, when opportunities to build friendships and practice social skills looked different. For some, college may be the first time they are regularly interacting face-to-face with large groups of peers from a wide range of backgrounds.
Relationships also may change during the college years. Students learn to navigate roommate dynamics, build friendships and explore romantic relationships while seeking acceptance and connection within new social groups. Many begin making more independent decisions about dating, sex and personal boundaries, while also thinking more deeply about their values, families and the adults they want to become. These experiences are a natural part of emerging adulthood and provide important opportunities for self-discovery.
What Unique Considerations May Adopted Students and Their Families Navigate in College?
For some adopted young adults, leaving home can have a different meaning than it does for peers who were not adopted. Until this point, many have understood their adoption primarily within the context of their family life. As they become more independent, they may begin asking new questions about what adoption means to them personally. A story that once centered on how their family was formed may begin to shift toward what being adopted means as they enter adulthood and define themselves apart from their parents.
College is also a time when many young adults explore their identity, and for those who were adopted, that process may include additional layers. They may begin reconsidering their adoption story, wondering how relationships with both their adoptive and birth families fit into their lives or exploring whether they want those relationships to change.
Some may seek new connections with birth relatives or spend more time exploring their cultural heritage. For transracially adopted young adults, college may be the first time they have the freedom to explore where they feel they belong culturally or racially, while also navigating the reality that they may not feel fully accepted by either community. They may also find themselves deciding how, when or whether to share their adoption story with new friends and partners.
As these questions of identity emerge, The Seven Core Issues of Adoption may reemerge again during young adulthood and new environments. This can be emotionally dysregulating and add to an adopted young adult’s cognitive load during a time when they are already navigating significant change. Some adopted young adults experience feelings of grief, anger or loss that take on new meaning during this stage of life. Others may wrestle with long-standing questions about rejection, belonging or self-worth. For those whose early experiences affected attachment, acceptance and rejection in friendships or romantic relationships may feel especially significant.
These experiences do not define every adopted person’s college journey, but they can shape how some young adults experience independence, relationships and the transition into adulthood.
How Can Adoptive Parents Prepare Their Child for College Before Move-In Day?
Preparing for college begins long before move-in day. Families who have openly discussed adoption and identity throughout childhood often find it easier to navigate these conversations as their child enters adulthood. Throughout high school, parents can gradually help their child build skills they’ll need to navigate college successfully, including balancing responsibilities, handling money, refilling and taking medications, and advocating for themselves.
Before your child leaves, have clear conversations about expectations. Discuss who is responsible for tuition, spending money and other financial obligations, as well as responsibilities related to academics, healthcare and daily living. It can be helpful to agree on how often you’ll communicate and what level of involvement feels appropriate once your child is on campus. Conversations about sharing grades, using location-sharing apps like Life360 or other forms of parental oversight should be collaborative and tailored to your child’s individual needs. For many young adults, college is an important opportunity to build independence and learn to manage responsibilities on their own. While some students, including those with disabilities or other support needs, may benefit from continued involvement from parents, it is important to consider whether support is helping your child build confidence and skills or unintentionally limiting their growth.
It’s also important to prepare for the emotional transition, not just the practical one. Ask open-ended questions like, “What are you excited about?” and “What are you worried about?” to create space for honest conversations. For some adopted young adults, the anticipation of leaving home may bring complicated feelings, and anxiety about the transition can sometimes show up as withdrawal, irritability or oppositional behavior. Maintaining familiar routines, talking before making significant changes at home, such as repurposing a bedroom, and reinforcing that your child will always have a place in the family can provide reassurance during this period of change.
As college plans take shape, remember that every young adult has different strengths, interests and goals. Success looks different for every student, and college isn’t the right path for everyone. Support your child’s interests, help them explore careers that align with their strengths and reassure them that there is no shame in changing course or coming home if their plans evolve.
When to Seek Support
Finding support from professionals who understand your child’s adoption story can be especially valuable during transitions, including the move to college. The Cradle is here to serve anyone touched by adoption, whether the adoption was through The Cradle or not, and however the placement was made: through agencies, attorneys, foster care or kinship. We offer in-person and telehealth sessions. Click here to inquire about counseling.
