My story begins, July 20th. I found out I was pregnant—four months pregnant. And I actually told my parents on the day that Michael Jackson died, so that didn’t really go over too well. Also because my mom’s a big fan. Their first question was, “You’re going to do adoption, right?” And I said, “Well, maybe.”
So, I was very focused on parenting. I wanted to parent. I was determined. I was saving money, like buying things. But then, like two months later, I realized I couldn’t do it. It was just way too much money. I didn’t have a good job. I didn’t have—I was still in college so I didn’t have a degree or anything. And it just didn’t work out. I’m actually adopted too so it was always on the back on my mind to do adoption.
I chose an open adoption because I’m in a closed adoption. So I don’t know anything. All I know is that I have two sisters. My dad was really, really, really tall and my mom really, really short. That’s about all I know, so just having that feeling of me not knowing kind of made me want her to know where she comes from and have that relationship with me wherever that ends up going in the future.
The thing is that in an open adoption, I know my daughter’s adoptive parents. They talk about me to her, all the time. Every night—last time I saw them I cried over this—they told me that every night they sit and pray for me for like a minute out of the night or whatever. So when they talk to Alyssa about me, they have a picture of me by her bed. They have this necklace my mom got me when I was at the hospital. She got one like it for Alyssa, so when she’s older she can wear it. I’m always going to be a part of her life.
I remember when I was in labor, the first thing I said when I got a contraction was, “Holy crap, I’m having a baby.” Like I was huge and fat and gross. But it never really hit me, and then I was kind of like, “Oh my god, this is actually happening.” You kind of have to sit there and think about, realistically, everything. This is another life. Everything you do impacts his or her life, good or bad. And it’s just really nice to see her have those things that I couldn’t give to her instead of having her live a life where I’d be struggling from paycheck to paycheck. It would just be really, really hard.
Her mom is a teacher, so she’s had all this summer off. So they’ve been doing family trips, they’ve been doing day trips. It’s just nice to hear those things instead of having her and having her be with in daycare all day with friends and with family instead of with me. It’s a good experience.
